L.O.V.E

Do we really know who we are? In the history of mankind, man have always been trying to find the real being. Some find it in the way we behave, some in the style we dress up and many, relationships that they have. Many indulge i the relationship aspect as they think that they'll find themselves when they fall in love and someone love them back just the way the do.

But do they really feel loved all the time? My answer is NO!

There will be many times when the other person will fail you and not love you back the same way you would want it to be. People will fail you. It's a whole cycle of loving people that's controlling the world right now. Imagine a world that has so much love for one another and no ones wake up feeling unloved. Isn't that a perfect picture of a wonderful world? I wish the world was like that. I wish i could wake up every morning feeling loved. But i know i can never experience that when i try to look for a human form to fulfill that. Somewhere down the line, someone is going to have a bad day and spur something wrong from their mouth and the whole cycle just goes back into a circle again. So, is that all we're going live with and the cycle just keep going round and round? My answer is NO again!

There are choices that we can choose to make our lives better. Here's some of the choices that i have made over the years.

1. Always choose to respond in love.
Nothing will going wrong when we respond in love. Responding in love means we take the focus off ourselves and instead focus on the other person and find ways to love the person. It means die to our rights to feel misunderstood, misjudged and unloved. A total altruistic display of love for the other person.

2. Choose not to be affected by other people's words.
History have shown how gossips have killed many people and relationships. Don't fall into the trap of gossip. Guard your peace and sanity. Don't be robbed of it just because someone said something that's not true.

3. Say sorry when you need to.
Apologize! A lot of time, we don't have the courage to apologize cause that puts us in a place of vulnerability.When we don't apologize, walls are built up around relationships and all of a sudden, you realized that the wall have been built up so high and so thick that you can see the other person on the other side. You try hacking and jumping as high as you can over the wall and you don't seem to be able to fully hack down the wall and you realized it's too thick and high for you to do anything about it. That's when you totally lose the relationship and a friend.

4. Always listen before judging or responding.
The number 1 killer of relationship is not listening. When we don't listen, we don't get the message that the other person is trying to say and when we respond without getting the full picture, we often say the wrong things and that damage relationships. Don't ever speak without hearing the full story. SHUT UP and LISTEN!

There are many more things but the most important to remember is in 1 Cor 13.

1 If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love

It talks about the 3 most important things in life and it ends off with say, "But the greatest of these is love." Always remember, love knows no boundaries. In fact, love tears down walls and cause reconciliation. People are willing to die for love and do anything just to gain it. So are you willing to use love as the greatest weapon to silence the evil one?

If you woke up this morning, just like me, feeling unloved, don't look inside and dwell at the miseries. Look out and enjoy the creation of the Father and thank God that you're breathing and wide awake now. Life was the greatest gift that you received today and you weren't like the many kids, dying in the middle of the night, in cold freezing winter.

LOVE.

Look IN or Look OUT?

Sitting in a cafe this morning, i just had this thought came into my mind.

The big I word. IDENTITY

It's a human problem since the start of creation. Everyone deal and struggle with identity. Because we don't know our identity, our survival and self beliefs doesn't function in the way it's suppose to be and it constantly threaten our very existent on this earth. It threaten our value system and often cause us to think of ourselves lower than who we actually are.

There are days when we wake up and we feel like the most powerful person on this planet earth and we can take on almost anything that comes our way and we feel like we have the capability to save the world. But there are also days when we dread waking up and all we really wanna do is to dig a hole underneath the bed and stay there for the rest of our lives. We all have our moments like these isn't it? Have a thought about it. We know we are powerful and we can actually change the world but why are we not doing it? Cause we are constantly living in the "look inside and see how miserable i am" days. Constantly looking at ourselves and telling ourselves how miserable or bad we are, we can never change the world cause we don't even see the world.

Jesus was the perfect example of outward looking. He took the burden of the cross. He could have just decided along the way that it was too hard, tiring, painful and drop the cross halfway. But He did not. He was flogged but He didn't complaint. He took the full penalty of the cross, nothing less, no discount. He bled, tired, suffered the pain but He constantly looked upwards, away from the pain and humiliation, at the Father. It was that constant looking towards the Father that got Him to the end. Did He do that to gain anything? There was no fame, money or positions in that. There was no recognition of a famous man awaiting for Him at the end of that road. All there was were death, humiliation and pain awaiting at the end of the road from a human perspective. But He knew one thing. He had to complete the mission that the Father had tasked Him to do. That was the only reward He had. When He shouted, "Eloi Eloi Lama Shabathani!" meaning "My God! My God! why have You forsaken me?" it wasn't a cry of frustration or anger towards God but it was a physical display of how human He was to us as He is immortal. It was a display of His human form. I was imagining what the scene of heaven was and this could be it. The Father looking down at Jesus with all the angels and everyone's cheering Him on. The Father look at His precious child and with tears in His eyes says, "come on Jesus. just a little more. one more whip, one more road to walk, another hill to climb and it will be done. come on Jesus!" And when it was all over, the angels just burst into celebration and sang praise because they know that death have been defeated. That scene in heaven is something that my small little mind just made up which i know is much more majestic than it sound. Imagine what was on Jesus' mind when He was on going through all these? It was the joy of knowing that His Father would take pleasure in His obedience and knowing all His Father's children saved and redeemed because of His obedience. Because of this obedience, we no longer are bound by the chains of death and, You and I, can stand here today to receive and enjoy this abundant, perfect love of the Father with no strings attached.

So what kind of a life do we want to live? One that cry out misery, pain and destiny-less? or the one that speak of goodness, flowing with love, abundant with joy. Look outwards. I want to wake up every morning and know that i can change the world. I want to remember that i can give joy to a person in my life and that will change the world around me. I am powerful.

Live your life well. Look outwards and upwards.

Last Time

Last Time.

(Verse 1)
I'm sitting here thinking what to write
knowing that this will be my last
My mind tells me go but my heart defers
I just want you to know

(Chorus)
If this was the last time i see you
i want my heart to stop
if this was the last time i hear you
i want my mind to lose all it's memories
there's just no one i wanna be with
only you

(Verse 2)
I know i can only love you from far
there is nothing more i can do
all i do is to wish you well my love
but i still want you to know

i really don't need it

sitting here, reflecting on the day passed, i realized that i can shut the world out quite easily. i realized that many times i really don't need anyone around me at all. i'm happy with just myself, i can stay home the whole day, i can not talk anyone for as long as possible and i think that qualifies me for a place out in the woods or forest somewhere out there. i really don't need anyone. seriously, i will do just that. one day, i'll forget everyone and everything. one day, i will just disappear. i just need my time with Him. the only One that speaks truth to me. as i grow older, i realized that i hate being lied to. i really hate it now. i used to think that i rather hear something that makes me feel better than truth that will cut me deep but now, i rather hear the truth and even if they hurt, i don't care. i just don't want to be taken for a fool. i hate it.

people have been asking me the question. my reply? i don't need romantic relationships. i don't need it. i'm not rejecting it but at this moment of my life, i just don't see anyone that i want to spend the rest of my life with. my dream? i want to travel the world. i want to go around the world and spent the rest of my life going to places that no one wants to go to and show the people there the love of God.

break my heart for what breaks Yours.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen

value.

i deleted it because i value the relationship above anything else.

we'd come to an end.

i guess this is the end of the book. no more chapters ahead. this is the final word. the end it says. i think you're in a better place now. no more drama, no more sleepless nights, no more pains and hurts, no more crying at night, no more thinking if tomorrow's reaction will be different. it's a good place to be in. don't turn back again. don't come back to this hell ever again. stay where you are and enjoy your life. (: goodbye my friend. (:

Leona Lewis - Better In Time (Boyce Avenue acoustic cover) on iTunes

Boyce Avenue - Every Breath

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry for saying all those things.
i'm sorry for putting you through this whole emotional ride which ends up no where.
i'm sorry for thinking that my intentions were for your benefits but end up hurting you even more.
i'm sorry for going back on my words.
i'm sorry for not standing my ground when i need to and causing you to be confused.
i'm sorry for trying to push you away.
i'm sorry for not using my word wisely.
i'm sorry for not thinking before i speak.
i'm sorry for not keeping my boundaries.
i'm sorry for not hearing you.
i'm sorry for not giving you a chance to say what you wanted.
i'm sorry for being ridiculous.
i'm sorry for being childish.
i'm sorry for hurting your feelings.
i'm sorry for constantly trying to provoke you.
i'm sorry for everything that i have done.

i'm really sorry...................

let your heart decide.

I understand that you’ve met someone
With a perfect heart
But you’ve been questioned by everyone;
Are you in the dark?
Can you choose to fall,
Should you risk it all?

How’m I gonna stop it if you wanna give it all to love
When I’m on your side
And I understand you’re the only one to know
Whether wrong or right
Let your heart decide (you’re the only one)

Some may tell you don’t take the risk
It’s a waste of time
But if you think you’ll find happiness
Baby take the dive

It’s unusual
But it’s critical

How’m I gonna stop it if you wanna give it all to love
When I’m on your side
And I understand you’re the only one to know
Whether wrong or right
Let your heart decide (you’re the only one)

Give it up
How’m I gonna stop it if you wanna give it all to love
When I’m on your side
And I understand you’re the only one to know
Whether wrong or right
Let your heart decide (you’re the only one)

i'd got a disney fetish now.

Disney night anyone?

i did it.

i managed to do it today. it's finally over. no longer will it come back to haunt me. i don't know whether this is the right thing to do but i'm praying hard that it is. Even if it isn't, i'd already done and i must not regret it. short pain rather than to drag on and get hurt even more. cut it clean and thorough once and for all.

oh, j is attached. haha. finally and it's quite a good timing. :) got rid of both at the same time.

it hurts but i'll live.

he came down. he did.

storms may come but i'll still hold on.

sometimes, loving someone means doing the best thing to make sure the person is happy in the long run. it's no longer about the temporal happiness that comes by saying the right things, making the right gesture, making the right promises or having the right actions. it's about thinking ahead. it's about knowing the pro and cons of the whole thing. it's about knowing that the end product of it is for the benefit of the other person. it's not even about whether the other person is happy but knowing that it will not cause more hurts or pain. it usually requires one party to be the bad person or the enforcer of the pact. it requires the person to say some things that is nasty or out of the box. painful it might be, but looking ahead and knowing that it does good at the end, takes away pains that's temporal. live with it, i said. live with it. everyone will have pains. physical pain, emotional pain... some people deal with pain easily, some take days, months, years, but some, their whole life to deal with it. it might seem like it's unnecessary but we all know that at one point, we need to do it. people often say, when something end, it's a start of another thing. it might be true, it might not be. unless we try it, we will never know. some people might see it as a storm but i'll rather see it as a small little rain that will go away after awhile. you might be drenched but you know the sunshine will come after and soon, you will be dry. so take heart, look forward to the sunshine days.

i'm sorry for doing all these but this is the best thing that can happen to the both of us. i'm staying away, far far away. don't want to mess it up anymore. enough is enough. there's many more out there. take your pick. for me, i'm a fading memory that shouldn't even suppose to be there. goodbye my friend, goodbye.

respond...

i don't want to go back there again.
i'm tired of it.
can i just say no and keep my distance?
can i just avoid and not face it at all.
i am afraid.
i have fears.
i don't to be hurt again.
i don't want to live that zombie life again.

but i love you no matter what.
but i'm just afraid.
i am sorry.
i'm staying away.

position.

it's been a real great time of my life the last 3 month. i've been thinking alot about the way we position ourselves actually determines how our lives will turn out. i've been having this revelation that if we choose to think that our lives sucks then it will. i refuse to think that my life suck. i've learnt over the last few months and have arrive at a place where nothing can irritate me anymore. :)

friends will come and go. i lose a friend but why should i think my life sucks now? lose one but i still have many others. why compare? if i want to compare, then compare it with the kids in third world countries that's losing friends to death. then i feel that i'm so much more blessed. :) why give up my joy so easily? i hold on to my joy, i jealously guard it. i defend it with all my life. i'm not giving it away. situations might seem like the whole world is against me but it's that joy that will come and bring light in the dark. don't stress because my God is bigger than my problems. :) i'm not going to talk about it anymore because it's not a problem anymore cause it doesn't matter anymore. i'm finally free. :)

it's a new season for me. i'm learning so much in the last few months that i'm getting a overload now.

i'm looking forward to family camp and jyc/teens combined camp. :) there's gonna be lots of heart pumping worships and heart piercing encounters with God. i'm am so pumped. :)

i've decided to cancel my trip to aussie in july. i felt God saying to go for passion conference in atlanta, usa in jan. i wanna go meet louie giglio. i wish i could do a 2 year internship with him. time to plan my us route now. :)

just the last month - 5 new songs. :) more please.

I'd found my peace.

I been thinking alot and i'm glad that I had monday to just sit down at starbucks and reflect on the last season. I thank God for giving me a season like that to not just break me but also to make me stronger and better. I will never go into that black hole ever again. i feel a new big season coming ahead. I need to write more, I need to lead more and I need to dwell in His presence more.

I have lost many friends throughout the years and probably have lost many which I was suppose to gain. I didn't have school friends cause all my time was spent in church, same as army. I don't count it as a loss, I don't see myself sacrificing a big part of my life. I don't see it as a sacrifice. it's not a sacrifice. I see it as a gain. I see it as my portion, inheiritance and my whole life. I'd probably lose more in the years to come but I know this life I'm living is so much more fulfilling than having lots of friends. it's a journey that I have to take, it's a journey that I'd grown to embrace. I don't know how long I'm going to live for but I want to use all of my remaining days for His sole purpose.

I felt that I'd found my life verse.

Psalm 27:4-6 - One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble, he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD.

I felt that this verses accurately depicts my life up till this point. i love to dwell in His presence. Being in His presence makes me forget about the pains, hurts and struggles in my life. That's my secret place, that's my resting place.

I'd finally found my peace. i'm no longer affected by it. I'd come to love my own peace more than anything. dwelling in His presence is so much more important than anything else. i am no superman and I cannot save anyone. j, I didn't save you, it was Him who saved you. I can't save anyone, I can only love. I can only be around but He has to be the one to save every single one of them.












to you (if you even read this)
i don't hold any grudges against you or hold anything that's negative towards you. i'm done with this season and I hope you're done too. I always believe and I know it's a long journey. I can't be there for you anymore and I can't always look out for you. I don't want to take responsibility or your life. it's your life and only you can take responsibility for your life. you are right that I can't save you. I can't. just live your own life from now on and make your own decisions. don't have to be affected by me (if you're not then that's good.), I shouldn't be affecting you at all. so move along and do your stuff and In His time, you will see the light. remember, nobody is against you. no one is, only yourself.

Oh, and I'm going back to school again.

I'm okay. :) total strangers.

i'm finally done with this whole thing. no longer do I have to worry and think about it anymore. I don't have to give anymore.

you don't have to worry. i won't cross your path anymore or try to avoid you because i won't even know you. it's time we go our separate ways. I hope you grow up well even if you don't, I'd done my best. we are strangers from now on. nothing will concern me anymore.

it's been a long time. long overdue.

goodbye my "friend".

L.O.V.E?

love is when you miss her even before she leaves, when you could listen to her talk all night and never get tired of hearing her voice. when the sound of her name sends chills down your spine, and you see her smile the second you close your eyes.

sunshine after the rain...

as i sat outside the balcony writing this post, the weather is unsympathetic and rain is beginning to pour with no mercy with lightning flashing across me. i felt coldness, fear and uncertainty. i sat here with a sense of "have i messed up?" feeling within me. maybe the weather is an indication of the feelings that i have within me now. i had to sit at the balcony to do this cause tears just kept flowing and flowing and flowing as i reflect through her words. i didn't understand how this whole thing could go bonkers just like this. her words were piercing and every word stab into me like a sharpened knife ready to split me apart. have i really failed in this? have i done the wrong thing? have i been too protective? everything was going fine till that moment. i thought something good could come out of the conversation but then it backfired. it crushed down on me like a thousand knifes thrown towards me. it felt de javu. it felt like it has happened before. it felt like history repeating itself. i wish i could go off now. i wish i could go study and not face this. i wish i didn't have to care at all.

i felt this for such a long time but i never got it down in words.

maybe my actions and my words didn't tally. maybe the way i show concern was wrong. maybe my reactions was wrong. maybe what i thought was good for her was actually wrong and the intention of it just died a terrible death. maybe in the beginning, all that i have been doing are actually wrong. who can tell me? my mind tells me this but my heart kept pushing me to the other side. my hearts keeps telling me to suck it up and hold on tight. keep loving says my heart. keep believing says my heart. keep pouring love out says my heart. every time when i want to give up and i go to God and ask Him to take it away, the only words that came was, "you really want Me to take it away?" i couldn't answer that question but i knew the answer.

i don't know why she would want to compare herself to j. it's not suppose to be this way. j, please don't compare yourself to her too. both of you are dear to me and both of you have a special place in my heart. i love the both of you. i care for the both of you and i don't know how to show you more. i know i can't save you and there's nothing much that i can do for you anymore. all i do now is keep an eye and that's it.

i needed to write. i needed to get this down on words. i need to start writing again. everything within my head need a refuge place and it needed to go somewhere. it needs to have a home. too much words have been infused into it and now it's having a adverse reaction to it. my mind is screaming like a mad man and wanting to get out. i feel sick. i feel like it's happening again. it seems like it's coming back again.

save my mind and keep it sane please.

sound of waves

ever heard the sound of waves when you're down? seems like it's constantly talking to you and everything it's saying is "it's okay". that's why I love coming to the coast. it never fails to give me peace and a good quietness that's always assuring. (:

I'd been thinking alot. alot alot. I just don't know how long I can hold on for. I can't bear to see her like that. it's killing me. tell me what to do. please please.

the real thing

it happened today when i was out with her.

suddenly it just came.

without warnings and signs like the past.

i couldn't remember much.

just that she was with me.

it hurts so much.

till i had to stop and ask her to go ahead.

this is going to be my life.

this is how it's going to look like.

true friend.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

henri nouwen

i gotta let you go.

i can't be selfish here.

i gotta let you go.

i can't bear to let you see me like this.

it's going to be frequent.

it's going to be forever.

i wish i could spent my whole life with you.

i wish that i could give you everything i have.

but i also know that your heart belongs to someone else.

i don't know what to say.

i don' know how to react.

should i just ignore this and treat it as though i didn't hear that?

i love you and i want you.

but i probably can't.

this is no going to be like any fairy tales.

there won't be a live happily ever after for us.

all it's going to have are heartaches and pains.

the beauty will end up with the prince charming.

sleeping beauty will have someone to wake her up from the sleep.

but it's not me.

don't love me because you pity me.

don't love me because i need it.

LOVE ME BECAUSE YOU MEANT IT.

the sound of the waves.

sometimes i wish i stayed near the sea.

i wish i could wake up to the sound of waves crashing against the shore.

that probably tells me that i'm still alive.

i wonder sometimes whether i should love.

whether if it's going to last?

whether i'm being selfish?

one day, all these will just be memories.

memories that means nothing

because i will not remember a single bit of it.

i will go.

So I will go wherever He is calling me
I lose my life to find my life in Him
I give my all to gain the hope that never dies
I bow my heart, take up my cross, and follow Him

What grace is mine, to know His breath alive in me
Beneath His wings my wakened soul may soar
All fear can flee, for deaths dark night is overcome
My Savior lives, and reigns forevermore

true love.

today i saw a perfect picture of true love.

there she was, in her wheelchair, left leg amputated from knee down.

her man was right beside her.

lunch was fish soup with rice.

how he will lovingly wipe her mouth from the mess she had made while eating.

how he will smile at her and tell her that it's alright.

i saw how her man, without fail, rain or shine, bringing her down for lunch and dinner everyday.

wheeling her daily with walks in the evening down the garden.

i saw how her man cared for her.

how that man made her day just by being there.

there was nothing in it for that man, except love.

that man knew that he had to outlive her.

that man knew that without him, she's not going to survive.

how he probably wakes up every morning with the same mission.

to make sure that she's taken care of, happy and loved.

i wonder about their love story.

i wonder how did that man come to the conclusion of this life.

i salute you.

you have become my role model.

i need to learn from you.

where are you? are you going to be silent?

why am i holding on to so much? i just want you to be happy that's all. in all my good intentions, i have ruin everything. i figure out that you don't need me anymore. i will embrace that truth. it hurts, really. but i have to live with that. i have to go through that. it has already been a prophecy that came through. it has to be like that.

i will miss you.

i r e a l l y d o n ' t k n o w. . .

woke up this morning and was really tired. major migraine but i didn't want the painkillers. decided to make a cup of tea as usual. i felt lost. i felt hopeless. i didn't have anything to look forward to. could really feel the weight of it. i don't know how long i can keep this up. standing infront of people and pretending nothing is happening, putting on a smile when i'm not fine. i need to find my footing now. i'm going to battle this.

i didn't want you to know about this at all. call me selfish or anything. i told you it's going to be ugly and it's not going to look pretty. it's really not her fault at all. she was just keeping the secret for me. do what you like, do anything you want. for now, i'm drawing away. i'm staying away.

There is just so much i want to tell you.

what if?

what if i lose all my memories tomorrow?

what if all i remember was nothing?

what if tomorrow all that's left is my empty shell?

what if all that i'm waiting for is back home?

what if memories was something that i can't hold on to?

what if, what if, what if?

forever now has a different meaning. forever becomes something that is so tangible. forever is so uncertain.

i had a fear today. i suddenly forgot what i was in malacca for. i forgot who i was here with. i didn't know what was happening. all that i remember was my name. this happened for a good 5 mins. Is this the beginning?

i didn't want to tell you this. i didn't want you to know. But today will mark the day where you will hate me for the rest of your life. i don't know what to say to you or whether i can face you ever again. i don't know.

Taking Chances?

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.

So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life
And I don't know much about your world

Unfailing God

Though my eyes may fail me, I will follow after You

Though Your promise seems forsaken

I’ll remember the world’s in Your hands

And You’ll find me singing

You are unfailing God,

Your love’s unending

And Your word is eternal,

Firm in the heavens it stands

Though sorrow’s my condition

And pain holds back no blow

Though this be my darkest hour

Your lamp is leading me home

And You’ll find me singing

Eyes can’t see but I feel You near

I know you’re working through my tears

I trust You Lord, I trust You for

You never walk away

Unfailing God, Unfailing God, Your love is unending,Lord

i broke down.

i broke down while driving back to church. i didn't know how to react anymore. the only way that came to me was to cry my heart out. i haven't cried like this for a long long long long time. i had to stop on the highway shoulder and cry. that was my only way of letting go. how many more times must i go through? how many! i want to let you go but i can't. i don't know how to. i don't want to. please let it come from you.

Last time.

I'm sitting here thinking what to write

knowing that this will be my last

My mind tells me go but my heart defers

I just want you to know

If this was the last time i see you

i want my heart to stop

if this was the last time i hear you

i want my mind to loss all it's memories

there's just no one i wanna be with

only you

I know i can only love you from far

there is nothing more i can do

all i do is to wish you well my love

but i still want you to know

thinking of you.

i don't know why? why do i have to be so stubborn? why why why?

haven't been able to sleep for the last few weeks. just couldn't sleep much. the last 2 weeks was just bad. the moment i close my eyes, you come to mind. why can't i just get you out? why? i really don't know. it's slowly killing me. it's slowly tearing me apart. i just can't do it anymore. it's hurting. really painful. pain to the max. seems like the heart wants to jump out of its place and just hide near you and be close to you.

It's killing me.

farewell...

i will always love you and be there for you.

you will always be a big part of my life.

but for now, it's me getting out of your life.

A degenerative nerve disease is one that affects the nerves in such a way that it damages them to the point that affects the way people think. Depending on the disease, it can even affect a person’s motor skills. Essentially, degenerative nerve diseases affect the brain. Degenerative brain disorder occurs from mid to late adulthood. The results from suffering from this disease usually are in progressive (and irreversible) declines in memory and a steady regression of other abilities, mostly cognitive.

i know...

i know you don't want to talk to me anymore.

just a few casual smses and to look like it's still okay.

but i know what you mean. :)

i'm not hurt just that it's over so fast.

i guess i won't look back and regret cause i know i gave my all.

:)

grow up well...

it has to come to this stage.
it has to be this way.
it has to end this way.
i'm sorry. i need to guard us from more heartaches.
i'm going to change.
all i ever do now is upset you
i'll don't bring a smile to your face anymore
i just a pest to you, leeching on
i no longer am the one to give you advice
i no longer mean anything good to you
all i give to you is heartache
all i am to you is misery
all i do best now is piss you off
the only reaction that i get.
you were right when you said that it's better without me.
i can only love you from far far away.
you can only grow this way.
i don't want to constantly be in your way.
i don't want you to have mood swings when you see me.
i'll always be here for you.
i'll always be here when you need me.
any other time, just let me be invisible.
don't be mistaken, i'm not angry with you.
i will never be angry with you anymore.
i cannot be angry with you anymore.
i don't look forward to getting things from you anymore.
no more birthday or christmas present or card.
i don't want to carry memories that doesn't matter.
all i hold on to is at least i have love you with all that i am and have and i still do.
it's good enough to know you love me as a older bro like the rest of them in your life.
i have no more regrets.
i tried my best.
i know where i stand and how much i meant. Nothing.
i appreciate how you try to make me a part of your life
but as hard as you try, you know that you don't want me in your life
i do see the difference, i really do.
as much as you try, i probably can't fit into your life.
you don't have to be nice to me just because you're his daughter.
maybe what she said was right.
i'm a fuck up devil.
i'm probably not who you think i am.
i will still be who i am with you but it will never be the same again
i am going to fade out in your life.
you won't even feel that i'm not around anymore.

because it doesn't even matter to you at all.

make me a passer-by.

don't even say hi to me please.

don't have to avoid me.

i will stay clear of you.

:) grow up well.

time travel.

i want to time travel.

i want to see how i will die.

anyone can help me?