sunshine after the rain...

as i sat outside the balcony writing this post, the weather is unsympathetic and rain is beginning to pour with no mercy with lightning flashing across me. i felt coldness, fear and uncertainty. i sat here with a sense of "have i messed up?" feeling within me. maybe the weather is an indication of the feelings that i have within me now. i had to sit at the balcony to do this cause tears just kept flowing and flowing and flowing as i reflect through her words. i didn't understand how this whole thing could go bonkers just like this. her words were piercing and every word stab into me like a sharpened knife ready to split me apart. have i really failed in this? have i done the wrong thing? have i been too protective? everything was going fine till that moment. i thought something good could come out of the conversation but then it backfired. it crushed down on me like a thousand knifes thrown towards me. it felt de javu. it felt like it has happened before. it felt like history repeating itself. i wish i could go off now. i wish i could go study and not face this. i wish i didn't have to care at all.

i felt this for such a long time but i never got it down in words.

maybe my actions and my words didn't tally. maybe the way i show concern was wrong. maybe my reactions was wrong. maybe what i thought was good for her was actually wrong and the intention of it just died a terrible death. maybe in the beginning, all that i have been doing are actually wrong. who can tell me? my mind tells me this but my heart kept pushing me to the other side. my hearts keeps telling me to suck it up and hold on tight. keep loving says my heart. keep believing says my heart. keep pouring love out says my heart. every time when i want to give up and i go to God and ask Him to take it away, the only words that came was, "you really want Me to take it away?" i couldn't answer that question but i knew the answer.

i don't know why she would want to compare herself to j. it's not suppose to be this way. j, please don't compare yourself to her too. both of you are dear to me and both of you have a special place in my heart. i love the both of you. i care for the both of you and i don't know how to show you more. i know i can't save you and there's nothing much that i can do for you anymore. all i do now is keep an eye and that's it.

i needed to write. i needed to get this down on words. i need to start writing again. everything within my head need a refuge place and it needed to go somewhere. it needs to have a home. too much words have been infused into it and now it's having a adverse reaction to it. my mind is screaming like a mad man and wanting to get out. i feel sick. i feel like it's happening again. it seems like it's coming back again.

save my mind and keep it sane please.