true friend.

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

henri nouwen

i gotta let you go.

i can't be selfish here.

i gotta let you go.

i can't bear to let you see me like this.

it's going to be frequent.

it's going to be forever.

i wish i could spent my whole life with you.

i wish that i could give you everything i have.

but i also know that your heart belongs to someone else.

i don't know what to say.

i don' know how to react.

should i just ignore this and treat it as though i didn't hear that?

i love you and i want you.

but i probably can't.

this is no going to be like any fairy tales.

there won't be a live happily ever after for us.

all it's going to have are heartaches and pains.

the beauty will end up with the prince charming.

sleeping beauty will have someone to wake her up from the sleep.

but it's not me.

don't love me because you pity me.

don't love me because i need it.

LOVE ME BECAUSE YOU MEANT IT.

the sound of the waves.

sometimes i wish i stayed near the sea.

i wish i could wake up to the sound of waves crashing against the shore.

that probably tells me that i'm still alive.

i wonder sometimes whether i should love.

whether if it's going to last?

whether i'm being selfish?

one day, all these will just be memories.

memories that means nothing

because i will not remember a single bit of it.

i will go.

So I will go wherever He is calling me
I lose my life to find my life in Him
I give my all to gain the hope that never dies
I bow my heart, take up my cross, and follow Him

What grace is mine, to know His breath alive in me
Beneath His wings my wakened soul may soar
All fear can flee, for deaths dark night is overcome
My Savior lives, and reigns forevermore

true love.

today i saw a perfect picture of true love.

there she was, in her wheelchair, left leg amputated from knee down.

her man was right beside her.

lunch was fish soup with rice.

how he will lovingly wipe her mouth from the mess she had made while eating.

how he will smile at her and tell her that it's alright.

i saw how her man, without fail, rain or shine, bringing her down for lunch and dinner everyday.

wheeling her daily with walks in the evening down the garden.

i saw how her man cared for her.

how that man made her day just by being there.

there was nothing in it for that man, except love.

that man knew that he had to outlive her.

that man knew that without him, she's not going to survive.

how he probably wakes up every morning with the same mission.

to make sure that she's taken care of, happy and loved.

i wonder about their love story.

i wonder how did that man come to the conclusion of this life.

i salute you.

you have become my role model.

i need to learn from you.

where are you? are you going to be silent?

why am i holding on to so much? i just want you to be happy that's all. in all my good intentions, i have ruin everything. i figure out that you don't need me anymore. i will embrace that truth. it hurts, really. but i have to live with that. i have to go through that. it has already been a prophecy that came through. it has to be like that.

i will miss you.

i r e a l l y d o n ' t k n o w. . .

woke up this morning and was really tired. major migraine but i didn't want the painkillers. decided to make a cup of tea as usual. i felt lost. i felt hopeless. i didn't have anything to look forward to. could really feel the weight of it. i don't know how long i can keep this up. standing infront of people and pretending nothing is happening, putting on a smile when i'm not fine. i need to find my footing now. i'm going to battle this.

i didn't want you to know about this at all. call me selfish or anything. i told you it's going to be ugly and it's not going to look pretty. it's really not her fault at all. she was just keeping the secret for me. do what you like, do anything you want. for now, i'm drawing away. i'm staying away.

There is just so much i want to tell you.

what if?

what if i lose all my memories tomorrow?

what if all i remember was nothing?

what if tomorrow all that's left is my empty shell?

what if all that i'm waiting for is back home?

what if memories was something that i can't hold on to?

what if, what if, what if?

forever now has a different meaning. forever becomes something that is so tangible. forever is so uncertain.

i had a fear today. i suddenly forgot what i was in malacca for. i forgot who i was here with. i didn't know what was happening. all that i remember was my name. this happened for a good 5 mins. Is this the beginning?

i didn't want to tell you this. i didn't want you to know. But today will mark the day where you will hate me for the rest of your life. i don't know what to say to you or whether i can face you ever again. i don't know.

Taking Chances?

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.

So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life
And I don't know much about your world

Unfailing God

Though my eyes may fail me, I will follow after You

Though Your promise seems forsaken

I’ll remember the world’s in Your hands

And You’ll find me singing

You are unfailing God,

Your love’s unending

And Your word is eternal,

Firm in the heavens it stands

Though sorrow’s my condition

And pain holds back no blow

Though this be my darkest hour

Your lamp is leading me home

And You’ll find me singing

Eyes can’t see but I feel You near

I know you’re working through my tears

I trust You Lord, I trust You for

You never walk away

Unfailing God, Unfailing God, Your love is unending,Lord

i broke down.

i broke down while driving back to church. i didn't know how to react anymore. the only way that came to me was to cry my heart out. i haven't cried like this for a long long long long time. i had to stop on the highway shoulder and cry. that was my only way of letting go. how many more times must i go through? how many! i want to let you go but i can't. i don't know how to. i don't want to. please let it come from you.

Last time.

I'm sitting here thinking what to write

knowing that this will be my last

My mind tells me go but my heart defers

I just want you to know

If this was the last time i see you

i want my heart to stop

if this was the last time i hear you

i want my mind to loss all it's memories

there's just no one i wanna be with

only you

I know i can only love you from far

there is nothing more i can do

all i do is to wish you well my love

but i still want you to know

thinking of you.

i don't know why? why do i have to be so stubborn? why why why?

haven't been able to sleep for the last few weeks. just couldn't sleep much. the last 2 weeks was just bad. the moment i close my eyes, you come to mind. why can't i just get you out? why? i really don't know. it's slowly killing me. it's slowly tearing me apart. i just can't do it anymore. it's hurting. really painful. pain to the max. seems like the heart wants to jump out of its place and just hide near you and be close to you.

It's killing me.

farewell...

i will always love you and be there for you.

you will always be a big part of my life.

but for now, it's me getting out of your life.

A degenerative nerve disease is one that affects the nerves in such a way that it damages them to the point that affects the way people think. Depending on the disease, it can even affect a person’s motor skills. Essentially, degenerative nerve diseases affect the brain. Degenerative brain disorder occurs from mid to late adulthood. The results from suffering from this disease usually are in progressive (and irreversible) declines in memory and a steady regression of other abilities, mostly cognitive.

i know...

i know you don't want to talk to me anymore.

just a few casual smses and to look like it's still okay.

but i know what you mean. :)

i'm not hurt just that it's over so fast.

i guess i won't look back and regret cause i know i gave my all.

:)

grow up well...

it has to come to this stage.
it has to be this way.
it has to end this way.
i'm sorry. i need to guard us from more heartaches.
i'm going to change.
all i ever do now is upset you
i'll don't bring a smile to your face anymore
i just a pest to you, leeching on
i no longer am the one to give you advice
i no longer mean anything good to you
all i give to you is heartache
all i am to you is misery
all i do best now is piss you off
the only reaction that i get.
you were right when you said that it's better without me.
i can only love you from far far away.
you can only grow this way.
i don't want to constantly be in your way.
i don't want you to have mood swings when you see me.
i'll always be here for you.
i'll always be here when you need me.
any other time, just let me be invisible.
don't be mistaken, i'm not angry with you.
i will never be angry with you anymore.
i cannot be angry with you anymore.
i don't look forward to getting things from you anymore.
no more birthday or christmas present or card.
i don't want to carry memories that doesn't matter.
all i hold on to is at least i have love you with all that i am and have and i still do.
it's good enough to know you love me as a older bro like the rest of them in your life.
i have no more regrets.
i tried my best.
i know where i stand and how much i meant. Nothing.
i appreciate how you try to make me a part of your life
but as hard as you try, you know that you don't want me in your life
i do see the difference, i really do.
as much as you try, i probably can't fit into your life.
you don't have to be nice to me just because you're his daughter.
maybe what she said was right.
i'm a fuck up devil.
i'm probably not who you think i am.
i will still be who i am with you but it will never be the same again
i am going to fade out in your life.
you won't even feel that i'm not around anymore.

because it doesn't even matter to you at all.

make me a passer-by.

don't even say hi to me please.

don't have to avoid me.

i will stay clear of you.

:) grow up well.

time travel.

i want to time travel.

i want to see how i will die.

anyone can help me?