I'd found my peace.

I been thinking alot and i'm glad that I had monday to just sit down at starbucks and reflect on the last season. I thank God for giving me a season like that to not just break me but also to make me stronger and better. I will never go into that black hole ever again. i feel a new big season coming ahead. I need to write more, I need to lead more and I need to dwell in His presence more.

I have lost many friends throughout the years and probably have lost many which I was suppose to gain. I didn't have school friends cause all my time was spent in church, same as army. I don't count it as a loss, I don't see myself sacrificing a big part of my life. I don't see it as a sacrifice. it's not a sacrifice. I see it as a gain. I see it as my portion, inheiritance and my whole life. I'd probably lose more in the years to come but I know this life I'm living is so much more fulfilling than having lots of friends. it's a journey that I have to take, it's a journey that I'd grown to embrace. I don't know how long I'm going to live for but I want to use all of my remaining days for His sole purpose.

I felt that I'd found my life verse.

Psalm 27:4-6 - One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble, he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD.

I felt that this verses accurately depicts my life up till this point. i love to dwell in His presence. Being in His presence makes me forget about the pains, hurts and struggles in my life. That's my secret place, that's my resting place.

I'd finally found my peace. i'm no longer affected by it. I'd come to love my own peace more than anything. dwelling in His presence is so much more important than anything else. i am no superman and I cannot save anyone. j, I didn't save you, it was Him who saved you. I can't save anyone, I can only love. I can only be around but He has to be the one to save every single one of them.












to you (if you even read this)
i don't hold any grudges against you or hold anything that's negative towards you. i'm done with this season and I hope you're done too. I always believe and I know it's a long journey. I can't be there for you anymore and I can't always look out for you. I don't want to take responsibility or your life. it's your life and only you can take responsibility for your life. you are right that I can't save you. I can't. just live your own life from now on and make your own decisions. don't have to be affected by me (if you're not then that's good.), I shouldn't be affecting you at all. so move along and do your stuff and In His time, you will see the light. remember, nobody is against you. no one is, only yourself.

Oh, and I'm going back to school again.

I'm okay. :) total strangers.

i'm finally done with this whole thing. no longer do I have to worry and think about it anymore. I don't have to give anymore.

you don't have to worry. i won't cross your path anymore or try to avoid you because i won't even know you. it's time we go our separate ways. I hope you grow up well even if you don't, I'd done my best. we are strangers from now on. nothing will concern me anymore.

it's been a long time. long overdue.

goodbye my "friend".

L.O.V.E?

love is when you miss her even before she leaves, when you could listen to her talk all night and never get tired of hearing her voice. when the sound of her name sends chills down your spine, and you see her smile the second you close your eyes.

sunshine after the rain...

as i sat outside the balcony writing this post, the weather is unsympathetic and rain is beginning to pour with no mercy with lightning flashing across me. i felt coldness, fear and uncertainty. i sat here with a sense of "have i messed up?" feeling within me. maybe the weather is an indication of the feelings that i have within me now. i had to sit at the balcony to do this cause tears just kept flowing and flowing and flowing as i reflect through her words. i didn't understand how this whole thing could go bonkers just like this. her words were piercing and every word stab into me like a sharpened knife ready to split me apart. have i really failed in this? have i done the wrong thing? have i been too protective? everything was going fine till that moment. i thought something good could come out of the conversation but then it backfired. it crushed down on me like a thousand knifes thrown towards me. it felt de javu. it felt like it has happened before. it felt like history repeating itself. i wish i could go off now. i wish i could go study and not face this. i wish i didn't have to care at all.

i felt this for such a long time but i never got it down in words.

maybe my actions and my words didn't tally. maybe the way i show concern was wrong. maybe my reactions was wrong. maybe what i thought was good for her was actually wrong and the intention of it just died a terrible death. maybe in the beginning, all that i have been doing are actually wrong. who can tell me? my mind tells me this but my heart kept pushing me to the other side. my hearts keeps telling me to suck it up and hold on tight. keep loving says my heart. keep believing says my heart. keep pouring love out says my heart. every time when i want to give up and i go to God and ask Him to take it away, the only words that came was, "you really want Me to take it away?" i couldn't answer that question but i knew the answer.

i don't know why she would want to compare herself to j. it's not suppose to be this way. j, please don't compare yourself to her too. both of you are dear to me and both of you have a special place in my heart. i love the both of you. i care for the both of you and i don't know how to show you more. i know i can't save you and there's nothing much that i can do for you anymore. all i do now is keep an eye and that's it.

i needed to write. i needed to get this down on words. i need to start writing again. everything within my head need a refuge place and it needed to go somewhere. it needs to have a home. too much words have been infused into it and now it's having a adverse reaction to it. my mind is screaming like a mad man and wanting to get out. i feel sick. i feel like it's happening again. it seems like it's coming back again.

save my mind and keep it sane please.