Look IN or Look OUT?

Sitting in a cafe this morning, i just had this thought came into my mind.

The big I word. IDENTITY

It's a human problem since the start of creation. Everyone deal and struggle with identity. Because we don't know our identity, our survival and self beliefs doesn't function in the way it's suppose to be and it constantly threaten our very existent on this earth. It threaten our value system and often cause us to think of ourselves lower than who we actually are.

There are days when we wake up and we feel like the most powerful person on this planet earth and we can take on almost anything that comes our way and we feel like we have the capability to save the world. But there are also days when we dread waking up and all we really wanna do is to dig a hole underneath the bed and stay there for the rest of our lives. We all have our moments like these isn't it? Have a thought about it. We know we are powerful and we can actually change the world but why are we not doing it? Cause we are constantly living in the "look inside and see how miserable i am" days. Constantly looking at ourselves and telling ourselves how miserable or bad we are, we can never change the world cause we don't even see the world.

Jesus was the perfect example of outward looking. He took the burden of the cross. He could have just decided along the way that it was too hard, tiring, painful and drop the cross halfway. But He did not. He was flogged but He didn't complaint. He took the full penalty of the cross, nothing less, no discount. He bled, tired, suffered the pain but He constantly looked upwards, away from the pain and humiliation, at the Father. It was that constant looking towards the Father that got Him to the end. Did He do that to gain anything? There was no fame, money or positions in that. There was no recognition of a famous man awaiting for Him at the end of that road. All there was were death, humiliation and pain awaiting at the end of the road from a human perspective. But He knew one thing. He had to complete the mission that the Father had tasked Him to do. That was the only reward He had. When He shouted, "Eloi Eloi Lama Shabathani!" meaning "My God! My God! why have You forsaken me?" it wasn't a cry of frustration or anger towards God but it was a physical display of how human He was to us as He is immortal. It was a display of His human form. I was imagining what the scene of heaven was and this could be it. The Father looking down at Jesus with all the angels and everyone's cheering Him on. The Father look at His precious child and with tears in His eyes says, "come on Jesus. just a little more. one more whip, one more road to walk, another hill to climb and it will be done. come on Jesus!" And when it was all over, the angels just burst into celebration and sang praise because they know that death have been defeated. That scene in heaven is something that my small little mind just made up which i know is much more majestic than it sound. Imagine what was on Jesus' mind when He was on going through all these? It was the joy of knowing that His Father would take pleasure in His obedience and knowing all His Father's children saved and redeemed because of His obedience. Because of this obedience, we no longer are bound by the chains of death and, You and I, can stand here today to receive and enjoy this abundant, perfect love of the Father with no strings attached.

So what kind of a life do we want to live? One that cry out misery, pain and destiny-less? or the one that speak of goodness, flowing with love, abundant with joy. Look outwards. I want to wake up every morning and know that i can change the world. I want to remember that i can give joy to a person in my life and that will change the world around me. I am powerful.

Live your life well. Look outwards and upwards.

Last Time

Last Time.

(Verse 1)
I'm sitting here thinking what to write
knowing that this will be my last
My mind tells me go but my heart defers
I just want you to know

(Chorus)
If this was the last time i see you
i want my heart to stop
if this was the last time i hear you
i want my mind to lose all it's memories
there's just no one i wanna be with
only you

(Verse 2)
I know i can only love you from far
there is nothing more i can do
all i do is to wish you well my love
but i still want you to know

i really don't need it

sitting here, reflecting on the day passed, i realized that i can shut the world out quite easily. i realized that many times i really don't need anyone around me at all. i'm happy with just myself, i can stay home the whole day, i can not talk anyone for as long as possible and i think that qualifies me for a place out in the woods or forest somewhere out there. i really don't need anyone. seriously, i will do just that. one day, i'll forget everyone and everything. one day, i will just disappear. i just need my time with Him. the only One that speaks truth to me. as i grow older, i realized that i hate being lied to. i really hate it now. i used to think that i rather hear something that makes me feel better than truth that will cut me deep but now, i rather hear the truth and even if they hurt, i don't care. i just don't want to be taken for a fool. i hate it.

people have been asking me the question. my reply? i don't need romantic relationships. i don't need it. i'm not rejecting it but at this moment of my life, i just don't see anyone that i want to spend the rest of my life with. my dream? i want to travel the world. i want to go around the world and spent the rest of my life going to places that no one wants to go to and show the people there the love of God.

break my heart for what breaks Yours.
Open up my eyes to the things unseen

value.

i deleted it because i value the relationship above anything else.

we'd come to an end.

i guess this is the end of the book. no more chapters ahead. this is the final word. the end it says. i think you're in a better place now. no more drama, no more sleepless nights, no more pains and hurts, no more crying at night, no more thinking if tomorrow's reaction will be different. it's a good place to be in. don't turn back again. don't come back to this hell ever again. stay where you are and enjoy your life. (: goodbye my friend. (:

Leona Lewis - Better In Time (Boyce Avenue acoustic cover) on iTunes

Boyce Avenue - Every Breath

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry for saying all those things.
i'm sorry for putting you through this whole emotional ride which ends up no where.
i'm sorry for thinking that my intentions were for your benefits but end up hurting you even more.
i'm sorry for going back on my words.
i'm sorry for not standing my ground when i need to and causing you to be confused.
i'm sorry for trying to push you away.
i'm sorry for not using my word wisely.
i'm sorry for not thinking before i speak.
i'm sorry for not keeping my boundaries.
i'm sorry for not hearing you.
i'm sorry for not giving you a chance to say what you wanted.
i'm sorry for being ridiculous.
i'm sorry for being childish.
i'm sorry for hurting your feelings.
i'm sorry for constantly trying to provoke you.
i'm sorry for everything that i have done.

i'm really sorry...................

let your heart decide.

I understand that you’ve met someone
With a perfect heart
But you’ve been questioned by everyone;
Are you in the dark?
Can you choose to fall,
Should you risk it all?

How’m I gonna stop it if you wanna give it all to love
When I’m on your side
And I understand you’re the only one to know
Whether wrong or right
Let your heart decide (you’re the only one)

Some may tell you don’t take the risk
It’s a waste of time
But if you think you’ll find happiness
Baby take the dive

It’s unusual
But it’s critical

How’m I gonna stop it if you wanna give it all to love
When I’m on your side
And I understand you’re the only one to know
Whether wrong or right
Let your heart decide (you’re the only one)

Give it up
How’m I gonna stop it if you wanna give it all to love
When I’m on your side
And I understand you’re the only one to know
Whether wrong or right
Let your heart decide (you’re the only one)

i'd got a disney fetish now.

Disney night anyone?

i did it.

i managed to do it today. it's finally over. no longer will it come back to haunt me. i don't know whether this is the right thing to do but i'm praying hard that it is. Even if it isn't, i'd already done and i must not regret it. short pain rather than to drag on and get hurt even more. cut it clean and thorough once and for all.

oh, j is attached. haha. finally and it's quite a good timing. :) got rid of both at the same time.

it hurts but i'll live.

he came down. he did.

storms may come but i'll still hold on.

sometimes, loving someone means doing the best thing to make sure the person is happy in the long run. it's no longer about the temporal happiness that comes by saying the right things, making the right gesture, making the right promises or having the right actions. it's about thinking ahead. it's about knowing the pro and cons of the whole thing. it's about knowing that the end product of it is for the benefit of the other person. it's not even about whether the other person is happy but knowing that it will not cause more hurts or pain. it usually requires one party to be the bad person or the enforcer of the pact. it requires the person to say some things that is nasty or out of the box. painful it might be, but looking ahead and knowing that it does good at the end, takes away pains that's temporal. live with it, i said. live with it. everyone will have pains. physical pain, emotional pain... some people deal with pain easily, some take days, months, years, but some, their whole life to deal with it. it might seem like it's unnecessary but we all know that at one point, we need to do it. people often say, when something end, it's a start of another thing. it might be true, it might not be. unless we try it, we will never know. some people might see it as a storm but i'll rather see it as a small little rain that will go away after awhile. you might be drenched but you know the sunshine will come after and soon, you will be dry. so take heart, look forward to the sunshine days.

i'm sorry for doing all these but this is the best thing that can happen to the both of us. i'm staying away, far far away. don't want to mess it up anymore. enough is enough. there's many more out there. take your pick. for me, i'm a fading memory that shouldn't even suppose to be there. goodbye my friend, goodbye.

respond...

i don't want to go back there again.
i'm tired of it.
can i just say no and keep my distance?
can i just avoid and not face it at all.
i am afraid.
i have fears.
i don't to be hurt again.
i don't want to live that zombie life again.

but i love you no matter what.
but i'm just afraid.
i am sorry.
i'm staying away.

position.

it's been a real great time of my life the last 3 month. i've been thinking alot about the way we position ourselves actually determines how our lives will turn out. i've been having this revelation that if we choose to think that our lives sucks then it will. i refuse to think that my life suck. i've learnt over the last few months and have arrive at a place where nothing can irritate me anymore. :)

friends will come and go. i lose a friend but why should i think my life sucks now? lose one but i still have many others. why compare? if i want to compare, then compare it with the kids in third world countries that's losing friends to death. then i feel that i'm so much more blessed. :) why give up my joy so easily? i hold on to my joy, i jealously guard it. i defend it with all my life. i'm not giving it away. situations might seem like the whole world is against me but it's that joy that will come and bring light in the dark. don't stress because my God is bigger than my problems. :) i'm not going to talk about it anymore because it's not a problem anymore cause it doesn't matter anymore. i'm finally free. :)

it's a new season for me. i'm learning so much in the last few months that i'm getting a overload now.

i'm looking forward to family camp and jyc/teens combined camp. :) there's gonna be lots of heart pumping worships and heart piercing encounters with God. i'm am so pumped. :)

i've decided to cancel my trip to aussie in july. i felt God saying to go for passion conference in atlanta, usa in jan. i wanna go meet louie giglio. i wish i could do a 2 year internship with him. time to plan my us route now. :)

just the last month - 5 new songs. :) more please.

I'd found my peace.

I been thinking alot and i'm glad that I had monday to just sit down at starbucks and reflect on the last season. I thank God for giving me a season like that to not just break me but also to make me stronger and better. I will never go into that black hole ever again. i feel a new big season coming ahead. I need to write more, I need to lead more and I need to dwell in His presence more.

I have lost many friends throughout the years and probably have lost many which I was suppose to gain. I didn't have school friends cause all my time was spent in church, same as army. I don't count it as a loss, I don't see myself sacrificing a big part of my life. I don't see it as a sacrifice. it's not a sacrifice. I see it as a gain. I see it as my portion, inheiritance and my whole life. I'd probably lose more in the years to come but I know this life I'm living is so much more fulfilling than having lots of friends. it's a journey that I have to take, it's a journey that I'd grown to embrace. I don't know how long I'm going to live for but I want to use all of my remaining days for His sole purpose.

I felt that I'd found my life verse.

Psalm 27:4-6 - One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble, he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD.

I felt that this verses accurately depicts my life up till this point. i love to dwell in His presence. Being in His presence makes me forget about the pains, hurts and struggles in my life. That's my secret place, that's my resting place.

I'd finally found my peace. i'm no longer affected by it. I'd come to love my own peace more than anything. dwelling in His presence is so much more important than anything else. i am no superman and I cannot save anyone. j, I didn't save you, it was Him who saved you. I can't save anyone, I can only love. I can only be around but He has to be the one to save every single one of them.












to you (if you even read this)
i don't hold any grudges against you or hold anything that's negative towards you. i'm done with this season and I hope you're done too. I always believe and I know it's a long journey. I can't be there for you anymore and I can't always look out for you. I don't want to take responsibility or your life. it's your life and only you can take responsibility for your life. you are right that I can't save you. I can't. just live your own life from now on and make your own decisions. don't have to be affected by me (if you're not then that's good.), I shouldn't be affecting you at all. so move along and do your stuff and In His time, you will see the light. remember, nobody is against you. no one is, only yourself.

Oh, and I'm going back to school again.

I'm okay. :) total strangers.

i'm finally done with this whole thing. no longer do I have to worry and think about it anymore. I don't have to give anymore.

you don't have to worry. i won't cross your path anymore or try to avoid you because i won't even know you. it's time we go our separate ways. I hope you grow up well even if you don't, I'd done my best. we are strangers from now on. nothing will concern me anymore.

it's been a long time. long overdue.

goodbye my "friend".

L.O.V.E?

love is when you miss her even before she leaves, when you could listen to her talk all night and never get tired of hearing her voice. when the sound of her name sends chills down your spine, and you see her smile the second you close your eyes.

sunshine after the rain...

as i sat outside the balcony writing this post, the weather is unsympathetic and rain is beginning to pour with no mercy with lightning flashing across me. i felt coldness, fear and uncertainty. i sat here with a sense of "have i messed up?" feeling within me. maybe the weather is an indication of the feelings that i have within me now. i had to sit at the balcony to do this cause tears just kept flowing and flowing and flowing as i reflect through her words. i didn't understand how this whole thing could go bonkers just like this. her words were piercing and every word stab into me like a sharpened knife ready to split me apart. have i really failed in this? have i done the wrong thing? have i been too protective? everything was going fine till that moment. i thought something good could come out of the conversation but then it backfired. it crushed down on me like a thousand knifes thrown towards me. it felt de javu. it felt like it has happened before. it felt like history repeating itself. i wish i could go off now. i wish i could go study and not face this. i wish i didn't have to care at all.

i felt this for such a long time but i never got it down in words.

maybe my actions and my words didn't tally. maybe the way i show concern was wrong. maybe my reactions was wrong. maybe what i thought was good for her was actually wrong and the intention of it just died a terrible death. maybe in the beginning, all that i have been doing are actually wrong. who can tell me? my mind tells me this but my heart kept pushing me to the other side. my hearts keeps telling me to suck it up and hold on tight. keep loving says my heart. keep believing says my heart. keep pouring love out says my heart. every time when i want to give up and i go to God and ask Him to take it away, the only words that came was, "you really want Me to take it away?" i couldn't answer that question but i knew the answer.

i don't know why she would want to compare herself to j. it's not suppose to be this way. j, please don't compare yourself to her too. both of you are dear to me and both of you have a special place in my heart. i love the both of you. i care for the both of you and i don't know how to show you more. i know i can't save you and there's nothing much that i can do for you anymore. all i do now is keep an eye and that's it.

i needed to write. i needed to get this down on words. i need to start writing again. everything within my head need a refuge place and it needed to go somewhere. it needs to have a home. too much words have been infused into it and now it's having a adverse reaction to it. my mind is screaming like a mad man and wanting to get out. i feel sick. i feel like it's happening again. it seems like it's coming back again.

save my mind and keep it sane please.

sound of waves

ever heard the sound of waves when you're down? seems like it's constantly talking to you and everything it's saying is "it's okay". that's why I love coming to the coast. it never fails to give me peace and a good quietness that's always assuring. (:

I'd been thinking alot. alot alot. I just don't know how long I can hold on for. I can't bear to see her like that. it's killing me. tell me what to do. please please.