what if?

what if i lose all my memories tomorrow?

what if all i remember was nothing?

what if tomorrow all that's left is my empty shell?

what if all that i'm waiting for is back home?

what if memories was something that i can't hold on to?

what if, what if, what if?

forever now has a different meaning. forever becomes something that is so tangible. forever is so uncertain.

i had a fear today. i suddenly forgot what i was in malacca for. i forgot who i was here with. i didn't know what was happening. all that i remember was my name. this happened for a good 5 mins. Is this the beginning?

i didn't want to tell you this. i didn't want you to know. But today will mark the day where you will hate me for the rest of your life. i don't know what to say to you or whether i can face you ever again. i don't know.

Taking Chances?

Don't know much about your life.
Don't know much about your world, but
Don't want to be alone tonight,
On this planet they call earth.

You don't know about my past, and
I don't have a future figured out.
And maybe this is going too fast.
And maybe it's not meant to last,

But what do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

I just want to start again,
And maybe you could show me how to try,
And maybe you could take me in,
Somewhere underneath your skin?

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

And I had my heart beaten down,
But I always come back for more, yeah.
There's nothing like love to pull you up,
When you're laying down on the floor there.

So talk to me, talk to me,
Like lovers do.
Yeah walk with me, walk with me,
Like lovers do,
Like lovers do.

What do you say to taking chances,
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,
What do you say,
What do you say?

Don't know much about your life
And I don't know much about your world

Unfailing God

Though my eyes may fail me, I will follow after You

Though Your promise seems forsaken

I’ll remember the world’s in Your hands

And You’ll find me singing

You are unfailing God,

Your love’s unending

And Your word is eternal,

Firm in the heavens it stands

Though sorrow’s my condition

And pain holds back no blow

Though this be my darkest hour

Your lamp is leading me home

And You’ll find me singing

Eyes can’t see but I feel You near

I know you’re working through my tears

I trust You Lord, I trust You for

You never walk away

Unfailing God, Unfailing God, Your love is unending,Lord

i broke down.

i broke down while driving back to church. i didn't know how to react anymore. the only way that came to me was to cry my heart out. i haven't cried like this for a long long long long time. i had to stop on the highway shoulder and cry. that was my only way of letting go. how many more times must i go through? how many! i want to let you go but i can't. i don't know how to. i don't want to. please let it come from you.

Last time.

I'm sitting here thinking what to write

knowing that this will be my last

My mind tells me go but my heart defers

I just want you to know

If this was the last time i see you

i want my heart to stop

if this was the last time i hear you

i want my mind to loss all it's memories

there's just no one i wanna be with

only you

I know i can only love you from far

there is nothing more i can do

all i do is to wish you well my love

but i still want you to know

thinking of you.

i don't know why? why do i have to be so stubborn? why why why?

haven't been able to sleep for the last few weeks. just couldn't sleep much. the last 2 weeks was just bad. the moment i close my eyes, you come to mind. why can't i just get you out? why? i really don't know. it's slowly killing me. it's slowly tearing me apart. i just can't do it anymore. it's hurting. really painful. pain to the max. seems like the heart wants to jump out of its place and just hide near you and be close to you.

It's killing me.

farewell...

i will always love you and be there for you.

you will always be a big part of my life.

but for now, it's me getting out of your life.

A degenerative nerve disease is one that affects the nerves in such a way that it damages them to the point that affects the way people think. Depending on the disease, it can even affect a person’s motor skills. Essentially, degenerative nerve diseases affect the brain. Degenerative brain disorder occurs from mid to late adulthood. The results from suffering from this disease usually are in progressive (and irreversible) declines in memory and a steady regression of other abilities, mostly cognitive.

i know...

i know you don't want to talk to me anymore.

just a few casual smses and to look like it's still okay.

but i know what you mean. :)

i'm not hurt just that it's over so fast.

i guess i won't look back and regret cause i know i gave my all.

:)

grow up well...

it has to come to this stage.
it has to be this way.
it has to end this way.
i'm sorry. i need to guard us from more heartaches.
i'm going to change.
all i ever do now is upset you
i'll don't bring a smile to your face anymore
i just a pest to you, leeching on
i no longer am the one to give you advice
i no longer mean anything good to you
all i give to you is heartache
all i am to you is misery
all i do best now is piss you off
the only reaction that i get.
you were right when you said that it's better without me.
i can only love you from far far away.
you can only grow this way.
i don't want to constantly be in your way.
i don't want you to have mood swings when you see me.
i'll always be here for you.
i'll always be here when you need me.
any other time, just let me be invisible.
don't be mistaken, i'm not angry with you.
i will never be angry with you anymore.
i cannot be angry with you anymore.
i don't look forward to getting things from you anymore.
no more birthday or christmas present or card.
i don't want to carry memories that doesn't matter.
all i hold on to is at least i have love you with all that i am and have and i still do.
it's good enough to know you love me as a older bro like the rest of them in your life.
i have no more regrets.
i tried my best.
i know where i stand and how much i meant. Nothing.
i appreciate how you try to make me a part of your life
but as hard as you try, you know that you don't want me in your life
i do see the difference, i really do.
as much as you try, i probably can't fit into your life.
you don't have to be nice to me just because you're his daughter.
maybe what she said was right.
i'm a fuck up devil.
i'm probably not who you think i am.
i will still be who i am with you but it will never be the same again
i am going to fade out in your life.
you won't even feel that i'm not around anymore.

because it doesn't even matter to you at all.

make me a passer-by.

don't even say hi to me please.

don't have to avoid me.

i will stay clear of you.

:) grow up well.

time travel.

i want to time travel.

i want to see how i will die.

anyone can help me?

Death, You're defeated...

Death is not scary

when you know you have no regrets.

Death is scary

when there is some much that you are unable to let go,

when there is so much that is left unsettled.

Death is not scary

when you know what lies after it.

Death is not scary

when your hopes are placed in the eternal dwelling with the One that came

to set us free from the wages of sins.

Death is not scary.

Don't let it intimidate you because he's a defeated foe of the One that we place our hopes in.

He will come to save us.

Yes He will.

Trust in it.

Live it.

It's hurting now. i need to take my medicine.

episode 2...

i need to stop walking that fast. the heart just hurt when the movement is too fast.

It's starting...

i can feel the pain intensifying. It's getting worse as the days go by.

In The Mystery

In Your Name
There is hope when all seems lost
There is freedom in the power of the cross
Let the world see

In Your Name
There is truth where logic fails
Understanding that makes sense of our days
You Are Worthy

Hear the song of all creation roar
We’re crying out as One
To You our God
Now show us the way of Your love
And we will come running

All for Jesus’ name
Your love displayed
We are alive in the mystery
All for sinners’ gain
Your life You gave
We’ll sing Your praise for eternity

In Your Name
There is mercy without end
Overtaking us now time and again
Let the world see

In Your Name
There is love that never fails
And the promise that Your word will prevail

Hear the song of all creation roar
We’re crying out as One
To You our God
Now show us the way of Your love
And we will come running

All for Jesus’ name
Your love displayed
We are alive in the mystery
All for sinners’ gain
Your life You gave
We’ll sing Your praise for eternity

Hear us sing

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Great is Your Name
Great is Your Name

You won't relent...

You won’t relent until You have it all

My heart is Yours

I’ll set You as a seal upon my heart

As a seal upon my arm

For there is love that is as strong as death

Jealousy demanding as the grave

Many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me

Come be the flame upon my heart

come be the fire inside of me

Until You and I are one

A total knockdown from Him. I'm asking myself where am i placing myself? Am i standing knee high in His love or and am i totally soaked in His ocean of love? I love His presence and i jealously want His love. If there's anything that takes the place of this, i want to cut it off. I don't want anything else apart from this place of total abundance to Him and His love. I jealously guard this secret place of mine. No one and nothing is going to be able to ply open this door for i am guarding and i am willing to give my life to guard it. Stay away! Stay away from me! Kill me if you want but i am not going to give up! God, take me home now if You can. death will not scare me, death will have no hold, death will not be a threat to me. death>>> you are defeated!!!!!

Sorry...

sorry that i dont pick up your calls sometimes
sorry that i sometimes dont reply your messages
sorry that sometimes im so troublesome
sorry that i'm not that good looking.. unlike others where your friends cant stop staring at her
sorry for all the disappointments
sorry that i might not be good enough
sorry that im nothing special
sorry that i give so little and take so much
sorry that i make you angry sometimes
sorry that i get angry sometimes
sorry for being who i am
sorry for the useless shit i've grown up to be
sorry for everytime i'm jealous
sorry that i just can't help it sometimes
sorry that it just so happens that every kind of shit happens to me
sorry that i feel so terrible all the time
sorry that i cry for friends who arent worth it
sorry that for me you sacrifice so much
sorry that i sometimes may not seem like i appreciate it
just sorry for everything that i cannot do
sorry for everything that i never will do
sorry for everything i will never live up to
sorry that i'll never be the best
no matter how hard i try.

Reply:

i love you even when u dont pick up my calls sometimes
i love you even though sometimes you dont reply my messages
i love you even if sometimes you are troublesome though you are not.
i love you because youre so good looking that you outshine anyone any day
i love you through all the disappointments
i love you because youre always good enough
i love you because you are very very special
i love you because you allow me to give you so much and u still give me some back in return
i love you even though i get angry sometimes for no reason
i love you no matter how angry you get
i love you for who you are
i love you so much, u dont ever need to be jealous
i love you even if you cant help it sometimes
im always here for you no matter what happens to you
i love you very much and ill always be here for you
i love you because you care so much about your friends
i love you and i would continue to sacrifice my life
i love you even if you dont appreciate it
i love you for everything you cant do
i love you for everything u never will do
i love you for anything you dont live up to
i love you because you ARE the best
u dont even need to try

pain in the night but joy comes in the morning...

am i getting numb to all these pains?
pains that causes scars that stays forever...
closing the door to more pains...
probably i can live with it...
don't need to make any more effort to revive it...
forget about it...
back to normal mode...

pain in the night but joy comes in the morning...


Your Love Never Fails
Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes, but
You have new mercy for me everyday
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night
But joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don’t have to be afraid
Because I know that you love me
And your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water’s deep, but
I’m not alone here in these open seas
Cause your love never fails
The chasm was far too wide
I never thought I’d reach the other side
But your love never fails

You make all things, work together for my good

not again...

well, as usual, nothing comes out good...

another failed conversation...
another misunderstanding...
another miscommunication...
another failed attempt to be nice...
it seems like a magnet except that it's repelling away...
you care, you don't care, doesn't matter...
the door is closed...
not letting anything in...


finding my secret place and dwelling in it...
God, i need to meet with You...
one on one...
just You and me...
i need to download from You for the camp...
speak to me...



And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon form against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here