grow up well...

it has to come to this stage.
it has to be this way.
it has to end this way.
i'm sorry. i need to guard us from more heartaches.
i'm going to change.
all i ever do now is upset you
i'll don't bring a smile to your face anymore
i just a pest to you, leeching on
i no longer am the one to give you advice
i no longer mean anything good to you
all i give to you is heartache
all i am to you is misery
all i do best now is piss you off
the only reaction that i get.
you were right when you said that it's better without me.
i can only love you from far far away.
you can only grow this way.
i don't want to constantly be in your way.
i don't want you to have mood swings when you see me.
i'll always be here for you.
i'll always be here when you need me.
any other time, just let me be invisible.
don't be mistaken, i'm not angry with you.
i will never be angry with you anymore.
i cannot be angry with you anymore.
i don't look forward to getting things from you anymore.
no more birthday or christmas present or card.
i don't want to carry memories that doesn't matter.
all i hold on to is at least i have love you with all that i am and have and i still do.
it's good enough to know you love me as a older bro like the rest of them in your life.
i have no more regrets.
i tried my best.
i know where i stand and how much i meant. Nothing.
i appreciate how you try to make me a part of your life
but as hard as you try, you know that you don't want me in your life
i do see the difference, i really do.
as much as you try, i probably can't fit into your life.
you don't have to be nice to me just because you're his daughter.
maybe what she said was right.
i'm a fuck up devil.
i'm probably not who you think i am.
i will still be who i am with you but it will never be the same again
i am going to fade out in your life.
you won't even feel that i'm not around anymore.

because it doesn't even matter to you at all.

make me a passer-by.

don't even say hi to me please.

don't have to avoid me.

i will stay clear of you.

:) grow up well.

time travel.

i want to time travel.

i want to see how i will die.

anyone can help me?

Death, You're defeated...

Death is not scary

when you know you have no regrets.

Death is scary

when there is some much that you are unable to let go,

when there is so much that is left unsettled.

Death is not scary

when you know what lies after it.

Death is not scary

when your hopes are placed in the eternal dwelling with the One that came

to set us free from the wages of sins.

Death is not scary.

Don't let it intimidate you because he's a defeated foe of the One that we place our hopes in.

He will come to save us.

Yes He will.

Trust in it.

Live it.

It's hurting now. i need to take my medicine.

episode 2...

i need to stop walking that fast. the heart just hurt when the movement is too fast.

It's starting...

i can feel the pain intensifying. It's getting worse as the days go by.

In The Mystery

In Your Name
There is hope when all seems lost
There is freedom in the power of the cross
Let the world see

In Your Name
There is truth where logic fails
Understanding that makes sense of our days
You Are Worthy

Hear the song of all creation roar
We’re crying out as One
To You our God
Now show us the way of Your love
And we will come running

All for Jesus’ name
Your love displayed
We are alive in the mystery
All for sinners’ gain
Your life You gave
We’ll sing Your praise for eternity

In Your Name
There is mercy without end
Overtaking us now time and again
Let the world see

In Your Name
There is love that never fails
And the promise that Your word will prevail

Hear the song of all creation roar
We’re crying out as One
To You our God
Now show us the way of Your love
And we will come running

All for Jesus’ name
Your love displayed
We are alive in the mystery
All for sinners’ gain
Your life You gave
We’ll sing Your praise for eternity

Hear us sing

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Great is Your Name
Great is Your Name

You won't relent...

You won’t relent until You have it all

My heart is Yours

I’ll set You as a seal upon my heart

As a seal upon my arm

For there is love that is as strong as death

Jealousy demanding as the grave

Many waters cannot quench this love

Come be the fire inside of me

Come be the flame upon my heart

come be the fire inside of me

Until You and I are one

A total knockdown from Him. I'm asking myself where am i placing myself? Am i standing knee high in His love or and am i totally soaked in His ocean of love? I love His presence and i jealously want His love. If there's anything that takes the place of this, i want to cut it off. I don't want anything else apart from this place of total abundance to Him and His love. I jealously guard this secret place of mine. No one and nothing is going to be able to ply open this door for i am guarding and i am willing to give my life to guard it. Stay away! Stay away from me! Kill me if you want but i am not going to give up! God, take me home now if You can. death will not scare me, death will have no hold, death will not be a threat to me. death>>> you are defeated!!!!!

Sorry...

sorry that i dont pick up your calls sometimes
sorry that i sometimes dont reply your messages
sorry that sometimes im so troublesome
sorry that i'm not that good looking.. unlike others where your friends cant stop staring at her
sorry for all the disappointments
sorry that i might not be good enough
sorry that im nothing special
sorry that i give so little and take so much
sorry that i make you angry sometimes
sorry that i get angry sometimes
sorry for being who i am
sorry for the useless shit i've grown up to be
sorry for everytime i'm jealous
sorry that i just can't help it sometimes
sorry that it just so happens that every kind of shit happens to me
sorry that i feel so terrible all the time
sorry that i cry for friends who arent worth it
sorry that for me you sacrifice so much
sorry that i sometimes may not seem like i appreciate it
just sorry for everything that i cannot do
sorry for everything that i never will do
sorry for everything i will never live up to
sorry that i'll never be the best
no matter how hard i try.

Reply:

i love you even when u dont pick up my calls sometimes
i love you even though sometimes you dont reply my messages
i love you even if sometimes you are troublesome though you are not.
i love you because youre so good looking that you outshine anyone any day
i love you through all the disappointments
i love you because youre always good enough
i love you because you are very very special
i love you because you allow me to give you so much and u still give me some back in return
i love you even though i get angry sometimes for no reason
i love you no matter how angry you get
i love you for who you are
i love you so much, u dont ever need to be jealous
i love you even if you cant help it sometimes
im always here for you no matter what happens to you
i love you very much and ill always be here for you
i love you because you care so much about your friends
i love you and i would continue to sacrifice my life
i love you even if you dont appreciate it
i love you for everything you cant do
i love you for everything u never will do
i love you for anything you dont live up to
i love you because you ARE the best
u dont even need to try

pain in the night but joy comes in the morning...

am i getting numb to all these pains?
pains that causes scars that stays forever...
closing the door to more pains...
probably i can live with it...
don't need to make any more effort to revive it...
forget about it...
back to normal mode...

pain in the night but joy comes in the morning...


Your Love Never Fails
Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails
I know I still make mistakes, but
You have new mercy for me everyday
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night
But joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don’t have to be afraid
Because I know that you love me
And your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water’s deep, but
I’m not alone here in these open seas
Cause your love never fails
The chasm was far too wide
I never thought I’d reach the other side
But your love never fails

You make all things, work together for my good

not again...

well, as usual, nothing comes out good...

another failed conversation...
another misunderstanding...
another miscommunication...
another failed attempt to be nice...
it seems like a magnet except that it's repelling away...
you care, you don't care, doesn't matter...
the door is closed...
not letting anything in...


finding my secret place and dwelling in it...
God, i need to meet with You...
one on one...
just You and me...
i need to download from You for the camp...
speak to me...



And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon form against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

He wipes my tears away...

it's still painful...
it seem like it's not going to go away any time soon...
i don't want to dwell in this...
move on says my mind but my heart says no...
why did it become like this?
why? why? why?
i didn't ask for any of these...
definitely i didn't sign up for this...
no one is responsible for this...
it's me...
my own asking for a beating...
i don't know how to recover from this...
i feel tired...
i can't do this anymore...
it's taking a toil on me...


only thing i can do now is to dwell in His joy...
His joy will be my strength...
i want to live in freedom...
pain pain pain but i will overcome...
i will fight till the end...
i will not let my heart be so easily hurt again...
whatever have been said have already been said...
no turning back anymore...
it's walking on the tight rope now...
an overcomer i shall live...
a child of God

God, be real now...

get away from me...

the constant urge of going back to it but the resistance within me is stronger than ever.
i am not going to bow down this time. it is over. i will never talk about it anymore.
too painful. too deep this time round.
never to allow something like this to happen anymore.
no more. no even a slight chance of it happening again because it is out of bound to anyone.
no one is ever going to gain access to it ever again.
i need no sympathy from anyone.
no one.
yes, it doesn't matter anymore.

Left my fear by the side of the road
Hear You speak
Won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again
Father's love that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is you Lord

One more day and it's not the same
Your spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Saviour once again
Where would my soul be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is You Lord

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold
You hold

All I need is You
All I need is You Lord
Is You Lord

the greatest thing in knowing You...

All I once held dear, built my life upon,
All this world reveres and wars to own;
All I once thought gain I have counted loss,
Spent and worthless now compared to this.

Now my heart's desire is to know You more,
To be found in You and know as Yours,
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh to know the power of Your risen life,
And to know You in Your sufferings;
To become like You in Your death, my Lord,
So with You to live and never die.

Knowing You, Jesus, knowing You
There is no greater thing.
You're my all, You're the best,
You're my joy, my righteousness,
And I love You Lord.

all things can fail you.
man-made promises that seem too vulnerable to hold on to.
promises that sound like sweet honey that only proved to be venom in disguise.
promises that cause you to become vulnerable only to be invaded by pain and hurts.
no longer do i stand on those promises.
no longer do i operate solely on those promises.
the only promise i hold on to now is my identity in Him.
nothing i hold on to except the promises of God and the call that He put in my life.
i will live to fight another day.
i will live to love You, to bring You praise, a child in awe of You.
no one is going to take this away from me.
no words is going to bring me down.
no emotions is going to make me fall.
the only thing that i look forward to now is seeing You glorified.
the only thing i live for.
You put me in this place and i will look to You to accomplish it.
only You can make the change.
only You can cause it to rise above.
no words can break me.
no words can make me feel small
because i know You are in me and with me.

i will follow Your heart.
i will become a child again...



Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

tears flow down my cheeks as i reflect back on the last few months while driving home.

too many broken relationships, too much pain, too much mistrust, too much uncertainty, too much miscommunication, too much under-currents, too many unmet expectations, too much pressure...

i can slowly feel it swallowing up my heart. i need to fight this, i need to overcome it! i am not going to let this take my heart away... NO! i will fight! i will fight with everything within me... all my strength, all my mind... everything! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

I will keep declaring this song...

All the way my Savior leads me
Who have I to ask beside
How could I doubt His tender mercy
Who through life has been my guide

All the way my Savior leads me
Cheers each winding path I tread
Gives me grace for every trial
Feeds me with the living Bread

[Chorus:]
You lead me and keep me from falling
You carry me close to Your heart
And surely Your goodness and mercy will follow me

All the way my Savior leads me
O, the fullness of His love
O, the sureness of His promise
In the triumph of His blood
And when my spirit clothed immortal
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages
Jesus led me all the way
Jesus led me all the way

All the way my Savior leads me

All the way my Savior leads me

a place of silence...

Once again, the revival of a blog that has gone through many many discontinuation...

i'm learning much more about who i am and how i react to different things, what are my weakness and what cause me to lose sight of who i am and what i am doing...

many many things are happening now... i have no idea why but i guess this is the season of trusting Him and putting all that i have on the line and giving Him the total control over my life... i can't fathom the happenings in my life and all i want to do is rest rest rest...

I will follow You and give You my heart, soul, mind and strength... EVERYTHING...

Pursuit

And now the day, where Americans will cast their votes to choose their next leader that will try to bring them across another milestone. i hope they will choose correctly.

It has been a good week. I'd got my new iphone! Made a deal with chaoky. He buy me iphone, i buy him nokia E66 as christmas present... hahaha... good deal...

Anyway, i shared during teen cell on friday on the pursuit of God in our lives. Many times, we pursuit but often on the wrong things. Jesus said in the beatitudes, "Blessed are those who thirst and hunger, for they will be satisfied" Very often, we focus on the thirst and hunger but what is more important here is satisfaction. When we thirst and hunger for the right things, then we will be satisfied. If we are not satisfied when we are thirsty and hungry, then we are on the wrong things. When we pursuit God and the things of God, He satisfy us in His promises.

When we pursuit Him, five different things happens.
1. We are more focus on a specific purpose
2. Pursuit cause us to be diligent
3. Pursuit energizes us with vision and desire
4. Pursuit stir your creative juices and abilities
5. Pursuit makes our live purpose-driven

How we pursuit determine our lives. This means that how our lives are depends on our pursuit. When we pursuit the things of the world, our lives then to be dull, stressful and often land in the bad day mode. But when our pursuit is on the things of God and on Him, then often it's being put in the blessing column. God always bless the people who pursuit Him with everything. When we put our whole life on pursuiting Him, He will make our paths straight and our hearts right. That's not a just a phrase, that is a blessing. God is in the business of blessing people. He's always waiting for us to discover our gifts and talents that He had put in us and when we discover it, He cause it to prosper and uses it for His glory.

Like the old saying... we'll only get God if we want Him.

God, make me all about You. make my pursuit of life be You and You alone...

Another day...

finally got my new skin to work! haha... time for a new change of appearance. oh well...

just wanna post a short one here and upload some photos...

i can feel the long year-end schedules coming right at me now... it feels relax now but it's usually the calm before the storm. so i hope that i will go through this year-end with much to share! stay tune and adious!

Carried To The Table

Carried To The Table

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

You carried me, my God
You carried me

i'm ready to go where You want me to.
i will follow You all the way...

Another one has fallen...

Heard the news this afternoon when melvin sent me the link to the report. Mike G of Planet Shakers Church, the one who wrote "Healer" on the new Hillsong Album, was actually faking his illness all these while. He is absolutely fine and healthy.

This got me wondering what is happening to the Church. Why has the Church gone to such state? Somehow, God led me to spend the last two days google-ing ministers that have fallen to sin. Many of them fall into the temptation of the world. Money, Sexual Sin and Power, the very thing that Jesus warns us about. Think about this, all these men are thought to be the ones that is passionate about His kingdom and the Word but one by one they have fallen to the sins of this world.

I realized that this can happen to any one of us. Even the so-called "anointed ones" have fallen, so what make us less vulnerable? The very fact that we constantly need the saving grace of God is evidence that none of us are able to say with confidence that we not fall into sin for the rest of our lives till the time we meet our Creator. We need to be accountable to people, brothers and sisters in Christ, that will help us stay in the destiny of God and in a strong relationship with God. Everyone of us need that. That's the only way we can stay in the right path. When we enter into this kind of accountability relationship, we are entering into a lifetime relationship that allows both parties to speak into each other's life and to instill discipline when needed.